How am I REALLY?

Today is Monday, which makes yesterday Sunday, which means I was at church.  At church there were lots of people, many of whom said “How are you?” really genuinely and kindly, and to whom I answered “Fine!” or other bland versions of the same sentiment.  This is what we do isn’t it? I am an advocate of honesty at church, of making church the kind of place that is safe to be real and exposed and weak, and receiving from church the support and love you need to keep going.  But sometimes- most of the time- I don’t want to lead the way and be the one to melt down and start the ball rolling.  I want to be one of the strong ones who mop other people up.  So I said I was fine, which was only partly true.

The whole truth is that I have been feeling a bit grey for a few weeks now; kind of detatched and lethargic and grumpy.  I have an attitude problem.  There is no reason on earth for me to feel this way- there is no excuse and I should just snap out of it ( if anyone else dares say that to me there’ll be trouble!).  The thing is, when you have a history with depression like I do, this creeping greyness has a fearsomely ominous quality about it, and when I wake to find it still with me each day, my anxiety grows too.

I sat down to write a blog entry about Obama’s choice of puppy, but then I thought I would experiment in telling “you” whoever you are, how I REALLY am.  That is how I am.  And how are you?