It will be five weeks ago tomorrow that the first false labour pains struck and the baby is still to make an appearance despite countless failed jail breaks. I am awake most nights until 2 or 3 am having futile contractions and dealing with the late pregnancy joys of heart burn, a teeny tiny bladder, burning hot feet and bony knees trying to crack my ribs. But here’s the thing: it has given me lots of thinking time and lots of things to think about. Here are some of the fruits of my late night philosophising-
Tomorrow is always uncertain- we just don’t always realise it.
I am a big one for plans and it is driving me a bit nuts not knowing whether each day is going to be a normal day or a give-birth-day. But our plans are always subject to change even if we don’t acknowledge that. We could be knocked over by the proverbial bus or struck by lightening or fired from our jobs. Much of the world is at the mercy of factors outside their control, whether climate or politics or their own bodies. It is no bad thing to be forced to live in the tension of certain uncertainty for a short time.
You could spend your whole life waiting for something. It is a discipline to live in the present moment.
Since school days I have spent a lot of time waiting for some things to finish and others to begin. There have been days in the last few weeks of waiting for baby 2 to arrive that I have become fixated on this one event and zoned out all the things there are to be enjoyed in the meanwhile, like time to concentrate on Alexa and the beautiful autumn we are having.
While I am not particularly enjoying all the false starts, they have meant that I am now well and truly ready to meet this little person.
I have spent a fair amount of this pregnancy feeling a bit ambivalent and fearful about having a new baby, but I can honestly say that I am now just pretty excited and psyched to be getting on with life as a family of four. I can’t wait to see what she looks like, and to introduce her to her big sister and her wider family and her friends and her church- who are all pretty impatient to meet her now too.
So I will let you know when there is any news but until then I’ll go back to my nocturnal musings and try and be grateful for the plentiful small mercies of daily life in the waiting room.